I thought

Once, I thought that there was a possibility of some sort of long term connection, some kind of mutual give and take which could lead to love, or at least something akin to love.

It probably didn’t help that every time we met up we would drink copious amounts of alcohol and consume speed. I presume it was some sort of coping strategy on my friend’s part and, being impressionable, I just followed suite. We’d forever be off our faces drinking, bombing substances and dancing around like no one was watching but we’d never talk properly about what was going on between us. Never.

There was chemistry between us, without a doubt; we could both feel it. Problem was my friend had been straight all her life and she was in her mid 30s. She was obviously confused about her feelings and didn’t know how to deal with them, hence getting off her face all the time when we were together.

So, this carried on for about a year… A random kiss here, a shit ton of speed there, a bottle of wine or 5 everywhere… Needless to say I got very confused about the whole thing; I was in love. I had no idea where I stood, so I took more drugs and went out as much as I could, but that’s a story for another post, I think.

So, one night after we’d been out together, and we were both coming down from whatever we’d taken, she left the room for a while. She came  back wearing her sexy neglige… She looked amazing! And we proceeded to have sex.

“Great” you say!

Yeah. I thought so. Until I realised that she couldn’t look at me while we were doing the deed, evidently because she was ashamed to be feeling the way she did about another woman.

I can understand, I suppose… But that experience didn’t half shoot my confidence to the ground, dead, and I find it quite hard to deal with.

That pretty much destroyed our friendship… We figured being around each other was good for neither of us. It made us both turn to oblivion and made us both uneasy.

We’ve had some contact since, but it is hard to overcome the feelings we still have (or at least, I think we still have) for each other. Hard to overcome the urge to run to a bottle or a bomb. Hard to ignore the awkwardness. I can’t deny that my heart still hurts every time I think of her…

‘Just give me a reason
To do what lovers do.’

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